I think this is my goal for 2011.Stop censoring myself, stop avoiding things, stop trying to control every outcome. Allow myself to confront problems, allow myself to not get bottled up in my head, allow myself some sort of pressure valve without being self-destructive or blindingly angry.
One of the things I've notice whenever people give these self-help talks is that they never warn you about the difficulty of the transition. Because anytime you start to change your behavior the first thing you notice is that no one else seems to notice or care. And because you feel vulnerable to begin with, you feel even more vulnerable. You feel like you're opening yourself up to a world that's just going to exploit you and tear you down more. That people are going to laugh and see you for what you are. Weak. Unworthy. Unimportant. Unwanted.
So how to get past that?
I don't know, but I've got a lot of work to do to start figuring it out.
