Dear Osama,
I see you have now become a TV evangelist. Not the best idea. We don't care what you think about the mortgage crisis or taxes. We're not going to convert to Islam just because the world is a troubled and confusing place. Chasing from one religion to another doesn't solve anything. More importantly, I don't think you want converts. I think you want foot soldiers. So let's get something straight: the first rule of fight club is you don't sit in a cave and make videos about fight club.
Today is the anniversary of 9/11. I know you think that's a pretty big achievement, but I think you just got lucky. I think it was a one in a million shot. I don't think you could repeat it if you tried. So don't get too excited or puffed up with God's power. God had nothing to do with it.
Some people believe the U.S. is a Christian nation. There's a lot of talk, but not much evidence of it. I'm not a religious person myself, but I can recognize good poetry when I see it. So do yourself a favor and put down the Koran. Go get yourself a copy of Matthew 5-7. It's called the Sermon on the Mount. I know you're a pretty religious guy, so I think you'll dig it. It teaches a very simple message of poverty, charity, service and forgiveness. Loving your enemy. Turning the other cheek. That sort of thing.
It's a little soft. A little tree-huggy. Sort of a crunchy, hippy sort of vibe. But it gets to the heart of the Jesus story, and they are things I don't find much of in my world or yours. So if this really was a Christian nation as so many claim, here's what I would like our leaders say to you: we forgive you.
We will abandon our war on terror. We will abandon our thirst for vengeance. We will give up our hate and fear. We will grieve. We will forgive. We will move on.
Why? Because we are better than you. We have a richer culture, better books, and nicer clothes. We have Lou Reed and James Joyce and Alfred Hitchcock and Sylvia Plath and Jack Kerouac and David Bowie and Audrey Hepburn and Joy Division and Buffy the Vampire Slayer. We have jazz and Lovecraft and Han Shooting First and New Yorker cartoons and Morrissey and The Lord of the Rings and Emily Dickinson and the Bravo network. What have you got?
They won't say anything like that of course. They don't really believe in everything they claim to believe in. They don't really have the courage of their convictions in war or peace. They send 180,000 to fight a war when 400,000 would win it. They claim near-Imperial power for six years but do nothing more than spy, torture, and keep secrets. They serve no one but themselves and those things that will enhance their own power and position.
They won't say it, so I'll say it for them: we forgive you.
The atheists, gays, feminists, liberals, secularists, artists, writers, neo-victorian fetishists, yuppies, squid lovers, karaoke superstars and free-thinkers. Everyone condemned by your backward view of the world: we all forgive you.
You can destroy our buildings and kill our people. But you haven't the power or the will to ever touch our freedom to live, to speak, to think, to love, and believe how we choose. And so, we forgive you.
Come on out of the cave. It's over. Call your kids. Think about retiring to Dubai. Have a good meal. Read a magazine. Take up golf. Religion only leads to disappointment and suffering. Revolutions only lead to the boredom of actually having to govern.
We don't care what you do. We don't care where you go. You and your philosophy are meaningless even in the not so grand scheme of things. You are evil and you are our enemy, but nevertheless, you are forgiven. Now go away.
